Let's take a look a some of the news items from Week 1 of Cardinals Spring Training. 

ITEM 1: Cardinals are moving from Jupiter. 

It is what it is. 

I don't have a tie to Jupiter. Only know it from Twitpics and news coverage. But it always sucks to lose a team as a city. 

That being said, they are moving. You can't keep playing games when there isn't anyone to play games with. So the Cards will have to go to a city that has more teams around. 

ITEM 2: Cardinals extend Matheny & Mo. 

Had to do it.

Having a manger on a one year deal isn't going to fly in professional sports, so picking up Matheny's option was a no-brainer. In fact, I'm a little surprised that an extension wasn't announced. 

And Mo deserves it. Dude came in with some pretty big shoes to fill. And hasn't missed a beat. Plus he's beefed up the farm system and survived an icon leaving town because of a contract. If he fulfills this contract, I think he surpasses Walt Jocketty in terms of accomplishments.

ITEM 3: Ballpark Village is getting a rodeo bar.

Oh man. Is this going to be popular or what? This might be the most popular thing in the history of downtown. And I'm pretty sure that Journey will have a similar themed bar open by 2016. That would be the only thing to usurp this as the king.

How many times are you going to venture into this place? 

Now, the Friday Links...

The women of LA. LINK HERE

Playing Jeopardy! like a boss. LINK HERE

Wife of Pi. LINK HERE

Facebook status. LINK HERE

Gorillas and a caterpillar. LINK HERE

Don't get too close. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Things happened. Things will happen. But know that we're here for you and love you no matter what.

Last week we gave death a deep tease, only to be brought back to life by a ginger. Tierra made the best case yet for the right to choose. And Sean got turned off by photos of prostheses. 

                         

Winter isn't over.  

We'll wait until Opening Day to bury the season. But Day 1 of pitchers and catchers reporting is a landmark date. One where we can finally start rinsing out the taste of that NLCS our of our mouths. 

With the recent (sort-of) retirement of #2 Chris Carpenter, the Cardinals begin their 2013 story with a dearth of locked in starters and a plethora of pitchers looking to define their label. Let's see where we stand on Day 1:

1 - Adam Wainwright

2 - Jake Westbrook

3 - Jamie Garcia

4 - Lance Lynn

5 - Joe Kelly 

6 - Shelby Miller

7 - Trevor Rosenthal

Now that's Day 1. This is going to change for sure before we get to April. And spots 3-7 are still in question. Jamie Garcia has been cagy about his health. Lance Lynn was an All-Star in 2012 and also got benched for under performance. He has trimmed down and should be a starter.

The 5th spot is tricky.

As camp starts, Joe Kelly has the upper hand, just because he was a pretty valuable fireman for the Cardinals as a long-reliever and a starter when Lance Lynn busted. Manager Mike Matheny will reward Kelly with giving him the opportunity to loose his spot in the rotation.

Problem is, both Miller and Rosenthal are more talented arms than Kelly. They have the tools to be quality starters in 2013 for the Cardinals.... but will they do enough to prove it before the team sets the rotation?

The main focus of Spring Training 2013 is going to be Oscar Taveras. 

And it should be.

But the race for the rotation is going to be heated. And starting later today, 4 guys will be playing for 2 spots. 

Welcome back, baseball. 

You like Adam Wainwright? You want to see him in a Cardinals uniform through and beyond 2013? 

Well those freaking Mariners aren't making it easy.

Reports of a 7 year, 175 million dollar contract for Felix Hernandez seem to be false. It's more like a 5 year, 135.5 million dollar extension. Or an average of 27.1 million dollars per season. Or about 15.1 million dollars more than Adam Wainwright will make in 2013.

THE GOOD:

Wainwright is 31. King Felix is 26. So if he goes the full 7 years he's signed for, he'll only be 33 when it comes off the books. Wainright will probably be looking at a 4, possibly 5 year contract after 2013.

Wainwright is a pretty loyal guy. I know, I know... loyal to the next paycheck, right? But unlike Pujols or Holliday, where it was an obvious open bidding process, Wainwright will give the Cardinals the first crack at making him a part of their future. He's been candid about wanting to be in STL. And knows that making 8 figures in the Midwest goes pretty far.

Wainwright wasn't that good in 2012. Numbers don't lie and a 14-13/3.94 ERA/1.248 WHIP aren't the kind of numbers that get 'ace' money. This is leverage for the Cardinals. A pedestrian start in 2013 might tip Wainwright to sign a favorable contract earlier than he should.

Kyle Lohse. Still not signed. Mainly because of the draft pick compensation. Wainwright leaving would net the Cardinals the same compensation. 

THE BAD:

We're right in the middle of another MLB silly period. Teams are signing new TV deals that are bonkers. Owners will want names. And if someone goes over the top for Wainwright, the Cardinals will have to pass.

The Cardinals also seem to be committed to their farm system more now than ever. If a Mike Wacha comes up in 2013 and plays well or a Shelby Miller brings the heat... the Cardinals might just move forward without Wain-O.

If Pujols can leave STL, then anyone can leave STL. Once you've opened that door, there is no going back.

The Cardinals are finally breaking ground on Ballpark Village. They won't see a ROI on that for a couple of years, so they're going to be fiscally tighter, like it or not.

There still is time to figure this out and several variables in play... but Felix's extension is now a factor.

Now, the Friday Links...

Love. The Harlem Shake. LINK HERE

Man, this guy loves to rake. LINK HERE

Dramatic wood. LINK HERE

So God made Farmville. LINK HERE

Wrong neighborhood. LINK HERE

Well. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Hard to believe that it's Friday already. Enjoy Mardi Gras weekend everyone. If you need a guide to all the events, here's a guide with everything you need to know. LINK HERE

Last night we had goat milk bukkake, taunting date cards from Harrison and dead boyfriend cards being played. 

But tonight?

Part 2 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. Or as it's known in the biz, the night an entire cast is lost to hypothermia. Unless the promos we've been seeing for 6 fucking weeks are lying, all the roses distributed tonight will be BLACK.

8:05 - Montana is looking like a tropical paradise. 

8:08 - I won't name names, but there are women in my office that turn space heaters on when it's 90 degrees outside. You want more proof these contestants are actors? Not a single bitch, moan or gripe from a 105 pound girl in Siberia East. 

8:15 - That nose ring? It's not a signal to the world that Catherine is available for sexy time at your convenience. It's a symbol of life lived to the fullest. Also, the last two dates have featured DEATH. Foreshadowing???

8:26 - "I might die!" ABC is being very caviler with their teases about this whole situation. 

8:36 - Any moment now...

CUT: Sarah, Selma, Daniella 

NEXT WEEK: Love. Falling in love. I love you. Being above everyone. Perfection not attained. Manipulation. 

He leaves as he entered. 

Christopher Carpenter was signed as a free-agent prior to the 2003 season, hoping against hope that he’d be ready mid-season from shoulder surgery while with the Toronto Blue Jays. He missed the entire season.

Now, he’ll leave baseball after his 2013 season has been scrapped due to lingering shoulder and arm problems.

In between?

He became the baddest bad ass in St. Louis.

Ever make a resume? I’m pretty sure we all have at some point, right? And you’re sitting there in front of your computer and you’re typing out things and stuff and numbers. It looks kind of good, but the more times you look it over, the more you just want to wad the thing up and start over.

THIS IS NOT CAPUTRING HOW AWESOME I AM. GRRRR.

That’s how we’ll remember Chris Carpenter. Three time All-Star, one time Cy Young, 144-94, 3.76 ERA… those are his stats. His resume, if you will. But 50 years from now, there is going to be some punk that tries to tell you that Chris Carpenter wasn’t the man because all he/she saw was the resume. You’re going to want to shake that person. You’re going to want to wad THEM up and throw THEM in the trash.

Because Chris Carpenter is the guy that was standing on the mound in Philadelphia, the toughest sports city in the US, in Game 5 of the NLDS, as a heavy underdog. He’s the guy that looked the best offense in the NL straight in the eye, told them he was about to punch them in the face and then knocked the Philles out.

He’s the guy that made us do THIS.

He’s the guy that when you needed a big game, you needed some Chris Carpenter on the mound.

He’s the guy that channeled Bob Gibson so another generation could have their pitbull.

Chris Carpenter isn’t going to pitch for the St. Louis Cardinals ever again. His career has ended, exiting as one of the most popular players in team history. The Cardinals are a weaker team then they were 24 hours ago, and there isn’t a single thing that Matheny, Mo or DeWitt can do about it.

Because you don’t replace Chris Carpenter. You thank him for the memories. And you do your best without him.

He leaves. We’re glad he entered. 

Last week we had some Iraqi elbow jobs (dropped over Baghdad), a very misguided young lady learning the hard way how prostitutes are really treated and and roller skating. 

But tonight?

Part 1 of a 2 night Bachelor spectacular. That's right. 4 hours in two nights. Oh, and PETULANCE! PETULANCE ABOUNDS!

(Ed. Note: Tonight, I attended a small get together for this show. Why does this matter? It doesn't really, I guess. But I did learn some things...

1 - Women are brutal to other women. 

2 - Where I come from (Venice IL) snitches get stitches. But it appears to be a divisive dating tactic. 

3 - Women hate other women.)

7:01 - Pack your bags ladies.... you're going to... MONTANA!

(CLICK HERE for full effect)

7:16 - That square is literally every single person in Montana. When told that this would come on TV later in the fall and winter, well, they shot and ate that producer. They weren't all that familiar with hipsters and reacted.

7:25 - Goat Milk? Goat Milk. 

7:37 - Valid point. Spend time vigorously jerking a goats udder and then drinking the results deserves something, right? Because that image above is getting co-opted by Cinemax late-night in 3...2...

7:41 - Wait, how'd she get a blue team shirt? Is she wearing someone elses clothes? Is this an amazing coincidence? 

7:51 - "Two women, one rose. One stays and one goes." Chris Harrison is a dick.

7:55 - Just got an e-mail from a west coast viewer:  "I have a story idea that basically follows the Bachelor but at some point, a horrible, bubonic plague type illness (or rabid case of crabs or a zombie invasion or the power grid shuts down) sets in on the cast and crew over a 3 week span and everyone except the bachelor and one girl survive. I need to tease it out a little more but you get the idea."

8:01 - The old 'dead boyfriend' card? Played. Not much you can do there Jackie. That's The Bachelor immunity idol. 

8:35 - "I'm not a drama person at all." Right. 

8:44 - You know who would have been good to fill all that time during the Super Bowl yesterday? Chris Harrison. That's who. When the director behind the camera needs someone to stretch a shot, no one is better. No one.

8:55 - Welp. It was a good run. Let the lawsuits begin!

CUT: Jackie, Robyn

TOMORROW NIGHT: Hypothermia. More Hypothermia. Breathing tubes. Possible mass deaths. 

You can only imagine the gambit of emotions that John Harbaugh was feeling after Super Bowl XLVII. His Ravens had just won the most watched TV event in the metered market era. But he'd just beaten his little brother and knew his friend was in a rough spot. 

He finally watched his maligned QB deliver a spectacular post-season, one that may be considered the best by a QB in history. But he'd also heard Joe Flacco say that he's worth $20 million dollars a year. Seeing as he's a free-agent, that could hamper the building of a dynasty.

He'd also seen his defensive captain cap off his career with a Super Bowl win that nobody saw coming. The same man who was connected to PEDs earlier in the week by Sports Illustrated.

Jim Harbaugh is a smart guy. But he went on ESPN and did a very dumb thing.

Without prompting, he volunteered his opinion on "the Ray Lewis thing" (the thing being Ray Lewis' return from a torn triceps) telling host Chris Berman that Lewis is a man driven by faith and that's what allowed him to return in roughly 1/3 the time any other pro athlete would return from a similar injury. 

Oy.

It's one of those moments that's totally innocuous now. And it's one of those moments that could come back and become the defining sound bite of a coach that is so in the bag for his guy that he can't see that something fishy is going on here and there are people trying to uncover the truth.

Ray Lewis sells papers and generates clicks on websites. So the hunt for new information about his run ins with deer antler spray isn't stopping now that he's retired. John Harbaugh shoved all in on Ray Lewis after the game. We'll see if that was a smart way to celebrate your first Super Bowl win.

Other Items?

1) Do they have electricians on site during pro football games? What was that person's thoughts when the lights went out? Don't you wish they would of had a camera on that man or woman? 

2) The commercials. It's an annual ritual to bitch about how they aren't good anymore. And that's the wrong argument. Even back in the 80s and 90s, a majority of commercials were still not that good (just like a majority of TV in general isn't to your liking). The ones you remembered, however, were bolder. Now? When you spend 12M on a spot (like Samsung or Dodge Ram) you have about 200 people with their hands on it. And it's going to be watered down.

That's why the Go Daddy spots are so effective.

You might hate them. You might like them. But at least you have a reaction to them. You remember what the new Budweiser is? Or what SodaStream wanted you to do today? 

Neither do I.

3) The cameras that CBS used to film the halftime show were awesome. To set up that lightning, stage and film 15 minutes so cleanly has got to be insanely hard. The whole thing looked amazing.

4) That one hurts for 49er fans. Goal to go with a 1st down to win a Super Bowl and you don't use your best weapon? Plus using a TO on offense? Man. 

5) Football season is over. Sucks. But at least that means we're real close to Spring Training. 

Yes, this news is over a week old. And yes, we're just now getting to it. 

The Cardinals have signed veteran IF Ronny Cedeno to a 1 year deal for 1.15M (plus another 850K in performance bonus incentives) as an insurance policy against the arm of Rafael Furcal. 

Kozmania iced for another year, right?

At first blush, looks like a pretty solid signing. Sure, .247 BA, .290 OBP and .647 OPS aren't going to drop the panties.

But we didn't sign Mr. Cedeno to hit the ball. No sir, we signed him because if pressed into action, he's totally awesome as a leatherman and the dropoff between Furcal and Cedeno will barely be noticeable.

Way better option than Kozma, right? No more infield fly controversy here.

Wait, what? 

Ok, I will go over to Baseball-Reference and look it up. 

UH OH.

Time to get baseball nerd. That -2 number above? Well those represent the number of runs number of runs above or below average the player was worth based on the number of plays made. Not good. 

-10? The number of runs above or below average the player was worth based on the number of plays made.

Furcal is at 33/51 for comparison.

So historically Cedeno isn't a good hitter. He's a pretty average fielder. And he's a former Cub. And Met.

The big takeaway from this signing is two-fold:

1) If Furcal goes down, this insurance plan is probably not State Farm or Allstate. It's more Safe Auto. 

2) If Furcal goes down and you're a huge Pete Kozma fan, your boy might just make this a complete flush of 1.15M dollars by the Cardinals.

Now, the Friday Links...

Do you need motivation? LINK HERE

Why, why Manti? LINK HERE

Square Root. LINK HERE

Bachflip. LINK HERE

Ostrcich in a elephant headlock. LINK HERE

Sunbathing robots. LINK HERE

That's it. That's the week. Enjoy your first FEB weekend people.